I am journaling this for me…to process something that I’ve been living through for quite sometime now. So don’t feel like you need to comment or give advice. I’m not really looking for that. I’m just looking for a way to get through the filth.
So I know this sounds like it may be some major drama happening in my life…but it’s really not. It’s laughable and serious all at the same time. Serious only because I have let it affect my outlook on life, emotions, mental stability, family and most of all how I view myself. So the drama I am talking about is…my constantly messy home. There I said it.
I am sitting here on my couch stained with peanut butter and snot, watching my baby girl play so well with her brother’s pirates. There are dozens of foam stickers displayed so beautifully on my front window to accent the fingerprints and dog slobber. The cat is perched on the white window ceil that I Cloroxed down just yesterday only to find tiny paw prints and a layer of fur on it today. There are cookie crumbs on the coffee table from last nights treat daddy so lovingly made for the kids. I look out the back window at Maverick. The window I am sure I wiped down not too long ago and now I can barely see my sweet puppy staring at me through all the sticky prints and wet doggy nose smudges.
I am listing all these filthy things going on in my house right now (and that’s not even counting the bathrooms) and all of them come from “Happy Moments” (aside from the bathrooms ;). The art on the windows; a moment of expression for my girls. The puppy and paw prints; from our love of little animals. The cookie crumbs from a night with daddy while mama was out with friends. And there are so many more to list. I can sit here and think logically “these are all good things and I can clean them later.” And quite honestly I think that way a lot. But then it bubbles up more often than not lately. ANXIETY, GUILT, SELF HATE. I find myself saying “you suck as a housekeeper, you’re lazy, you have no drive, your friends think you’re a slob, your husband and kids deserve better.” I find myself feeling really guilty about the success of my photography business and the amount of time during the day I put into it rather than scrub the dirt off the moldings.
WAH WAH WAH…That is how I sound right now. I don’t like it, who I am, always feeling guilty and stressed because my house is messy. I don’t like that I broke down last night taking to my girlfriends about it. Although they all completely understood. I don’t like that I have no drive to keep it clean and tidy. Although I have more drive in the world to keep studying the process of taking a good picture.
Seriously!!! Are my priorities off? I would say Heck Yes if I was thinking I didn’t have drive for playing with my kids, loving them, taking care of them. But thankfully that’s not the case. I just can’t keep my tiny house clean and it’s driving me to the point of a nervous breakdown.
STOP: A break in the story. Emery just came in with dirt all over her shoes…dripping water from a cup she is taking back out side to play with. “We are having fun mom. We are being scientist with wet dirt.” That right there is part of the reason I have a constant messy house. But there is no way I want to squash the very imaginative game her and her brother are playing without fighting all for the sake of spotless floors!
So why do I let the dirt and clutter eat at me so much internally. Answer; because I listen to the above lies about myself and believe them. And therefore get stuck there. Stuck as an unmotivated house keeper who thinks she sucks so why bother. Then comes more dirt, then guilt, then anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle.
Two nights ago I woke up with the weight of 6 loads of laundry on my mind and more literally on the floor around my bed. When I wake up in the middle of the night feeling stressed, I either get up and make a list or pray. This night I chose to pray…pray that God would take the anxiety away so I could sleep and it finally hit me. All the negative things I have been thinking. Those things don’t come from God! I know this, have always known this, but why did it just hit me like a ton of bricks. God does not tear down…He’s not the one trying to get me to feel guilty about my lack of domestic drive. Satan is the prince of lies…the king of cutting me down. DUH! All this time I’ve been dealing with filth, guilt, laziness, self hate, and anxiety…and that is exactly where Satan wanted me. STUCK! DEPRESSED! STRESSED! What a jackass. (Satan, not me)
So I sat there praying that God would help me not to listen to the lies. And I felt a weight lifted. I still know I need to pray this daily, I still know I need to find balance with keeping a cleaner house and still letting “Happy Filth” happen. I need to force myself out from the mindset of “I’m creative so I am prone to messes” I need a housekeeper ;).
Vent over.
Last night I remembered around 8:30 pm that i still needed to run to Walmart and quickly grab some pants for Emery to wear to school. All she had left were very worn out pants. I seriously do not know how one little girl can completely wear out a pair of pants so quickly. She must be playing hard. Actually, today while I was out running errands I pulled up to Emery's school to watch her play on the playground. She was playing with one of her little girlfriends, who is absolutely adorable but not a good influence to Emery on how to treat other little girls. Yuck!
